


Weakness in your eyes

by voices_in_my_head



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, I don't know how this happened, I'm sorry OP, Raleigh feels, So much angst, it's not even funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-25
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 15:17:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1058337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voices_in_my_head/pseuds/voices_in_my_head
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He’s confused and he wants to go back to Alaska, because there were no jaegers and no Stacker fucking Pentecost around and it was so much easier.</p>
<p>There’s silence and Raleigh is so fucking tired."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weakness in your eyes

It’s funny how human memories work. One day you remember every detail, another one you barely remember the words spoken, or even the person that spoke them. In five years Raleigh’s memories have started changing. When he was younger and he thought of his brother, it was always with love and amusement. Now, there’s still love but mostly he’s sad, angry… resented.

Thinking of Stacker Pentecost is a bit like that too. He has trouble remembering the good times. He knew from the beginning that all they would be was fuck-buddies and he was fine with it. But he still remembered the times they were too tired to move, so they stayed in bed and cuddled. He remembers the time he was sick and Stacker came to him with soup and stayed for over an hour, even though he didn’t have to.

Raleigh knows those memories are real, but they’re not as happy as they used to. Now, when he remembers cuddling, he remembers how Stacker was uncomfortable. When he remembers the soup all he can think is that Stacker just wanted him good to fight kaijus.

Seeing Stacker again brings all those memories back. Sadness and happiness. Anger and regret. He wants to say no. He wants to tell the older man “fuck you” and not see the smirk on the other’s face that is saying “you already did.”

He wants his life back. He wants his memories to be cleaner. Happier. He wants to make a ball of the shit he has been going through these last few years and throw it at Stacker’s face because Yancy isn’t around and he has to blame someone, and he’s sick of blaming himself.

But he says yes. Just like they both knew he would. Maybe if it was someone else asking the answer would have been different. But Raleigh was never able to say no to Stacker and that’s how they got into this in the first place, isn’t it?

An almost eleven hour flight in silence. He doesn’t want the silence, but he doesn’t know how to break it either. He has no idea what he’ll do if he gets up; kiss or punch Stacker? If he opens his mouth will he say “I missed you” or “I hate you”?

Raleigh’s confused and he doesn’t remember what’s real and what isn’t anymore.

.

“What’s the plan?” He asks two hours into the flight.

Stacker is sitting opposite him, even though it’s a private plane and there’re plenty of chairs around (Raleigh doesn’t know if he wants to pull him closer or away, so he doesn’t comment).

“We’re sending a nuke through the breach,” he says it in the most casual tone, like he used to tell him to suit up or talk dirty. Raleigh thinks he used to find it endearing; now he wonders if the other man even feels anything.

He wants to say “it won’t work” and “you’re that desperate, ahm?” but instead what comes out is, “who’s my partner?”

It feels wrong uttering the word, knowing the answer won’t be his brother’s name and it’s not fair _notfairnotfairnotfairnot-_

“We’re still looking.”

“Any promising candidates?” He feels like he’s chewing on rocks.

Stacker looks away, and it’s possible it’s the first time Raleigh has seen him uncomfortable.

“No.” It’s a lie and they both know it.

“Whatever,” he says, knowing he sounds like a petulant child but not caring.

“You changed,” Stacker says after almost five minutes in silence.

“You did too,” it’s not what he wants to say, not nearly, but it’s what comes out.

“When the world changes, you either go with it or you get swallowed.”

“People are still being swallowed,” Raleigh says and neither smiles because it’s not a joke.

Again, silence.

“Did you expect me not to change?” He finally asks, because he’s curious. It’s something he has asked himself several times. What would have happened if Yancy hadn’t died?

“No. What happened to… to you, can’t be overlooked.” Stacker has a look in his eyes that speaks of the past and Raleigh remembers hearing about Tamsin, but it’s not the same. She had a seizure and she could have died, but she didn’t, at least not there. Maybe for a few hours Stacker was afraid she would die, but she didn’t. She got cancer and she fought it for as long as she could and everyone knew she was going to die. Yancy wasn’t supposed to die. Not like that. Not that soon.

“You don’t think the nuke is going to work,” he says because he can’t handle the silence. If the world’s silent then there’s space for his mind to wander, and he doesn’t want to think about that day five years before.

“What makes you say that?” Stacker is a very handsome man but his eyes were always Raleigh’s favourite part.

“You asked me where I would rather die. Like surviving wasn’t a choice.”

“You still came.”

“I still came,” he answers and grimaces, because he can’t smile.

This time the silence is bit less uncomfortable, but not by much.

.

Five hours to go and Raleigh is feeling sleepy, but he knows what will happen if he falls asleep. What always happens. Nightmares, except that’s not true, is it? It’s not a product of his imagination. They’re memories and he calls them nightmares because they’re bad, but they’re real. They’re real and he’s sick of watching his brother die over and over again.

He knows why Stacker isn’t making a move, why he’s not showing any interest in re-starting whatever it was they had in the first place. When they first slept together it was just taking off steam. It was uncomplicated.

Now… well, Raleigh used to be a simple man. He used to like spending time with his brother, having a beer with his friends, sleeping with uncomplicated people. Simple and easy things. He also used to be a funny guy. A relaxed one.

Now, he has been fired more times than he can count. He gets into fights. He screams at the mirror and he sees a dead man everywhere.

They used to fuck and it was simple, except Raleigh isn’t simple anymore. At least not in a happy way. Instead of spending time with his brother and friends he sits alone in an apartment. He used to live life. He used to _like_ life. Now, he doesn’t even know what that word means.

“You can’t bring all that anger into the drift,” Stacker says and Raleigh wants to punch him.

“Then don’t put me in a drift.”

Stacker sighs and Raleigh doesn’t like it when he does that. It makes him feel like a little kid.

“Raleigh-“

“Don’t, okay? Just don’t.”

“If you don’t want to speak with me, that’s fine. But speak with someone. Tendo is in Hong Kong, and if not him then there are old friends there too; or maybe even a psychologist.”

“You don’t want me speaking to a shrink. If I do that, they won’t allow me to be put into a jaeger again,” it’s the truth and they both know it.

Silence for a few seconds, but Raleigh quickly speaks up again. “Why did you come find me? And if you start with ‘the word needs you’ bullshit I swear I’ll grab a parachute and jump.”

“That would kill you,” Raleigh shrugs and it’s a relaxed one, because he honestly doesn’t care. “I came for you because you’re one of our best pilots and it’s not bullshit. The world needs you.” _I need you._ Are Stacker’s eyes telling him that or is it just his imagination?

“If the world needs me then it’s more fucked up than I ever thought possible.”

Silence again and half the flight has gone by and he’s going to survive this.

They’re looking into each other’s eyes and Raleigh wants to look away, but he doesn’t because he knows that something will be gone if he does.

“Everything is fucked up,” Stacker says and he remembers trying to get the other to swear during sex, because it used to be so funny.

Now, it makes him sound tired and it’s not funny. Nothing is funny anymore.

He wants to ask about Tendo. That will clear the air a little bit, but he doesn’t do it. His tongue is tied in knots and he doesn’t know how to untie it.

He’s confused and he wants to go back to Alaska, because there were no jaegers and no Stacker fucking Pentecost around and it was so much easier.

There’s silence and Raleigh is so fucking tired.

.

Two hours to go and Raleigh is feeling antsy. He’s sleepy and cranky and he’s afraid that when they leave the place, they’ll leave their story behind as well and he’s not sure he wants that.

He puts his head between his legs, with his hands against his eyes and he’s repeating his name inside his head, except that if you use a word too many times it loses his meaning but it doesn’t really matter, does it? Not when he can’t remember who Raleigh Beckett used to be in the first place.

“Raleigh?” Stacker’s voice is soft and Raleigh wants to scream and cry.

There’s a hand in his shoulder and he moves faster than he thought possible, and that’s probably the only reason Stacker doesn’t push him away when he kisses him. It’s not soft and it’s not romantic. It’s just Raleigh clinging to the past.

“Raleigh,” Stacker has his hands on his shoulders and Raleigh gets ready to be pushed away. He’s not going to apologize, but he’s capable of moving on. Except, he’s not pushed away, instead he’s almost in the other’s man lap and it’s hot and messy, and his head is spinning, but it’s okay, because at least there are no dead men talking.

.

When it’s over there’s still an hour and a half to go and should they talk? Maybe discuss some ground rules, because it can’t be like it used to, can it?

It’s not blowing up steam anymore; it’s marking the other with angry bites and scratches and it’s not simple anymore. There are no more laughs during it, maybe even smiles and Raleigh wants to see Stacker smile again, but what if Stacker asks the same from him and he can’t smile. Because smiling means being happy and how can he be happy without Yancy telling him what a terrible idea this is?

“Raleigh…” Stacker starts but stops and Raleigh wonders what he was going to say, but he just sighs and he’s confused and sad and angry and sex used to be fun, but nothing is fun anymore.

“It can’t be like it used to,” he finally ends and Raleigh laughs, and it’s not funny, maybe a bit mad and even mean because-

“We’re not the men we used to be. How could it be like it used to? My brother’s dead and we’re going to die nuking a breach that let aliens into the world and people keep asking me why I left the jaeger program, because feeling your brother dying isn’t reason enough. And you asked me where I would rather die and that’s the question, isn’t it? You didn’t ask me where I would rather live afterwards, because that wouldn’t have gotten me here. Because that would mean surviving an entire life, and I’m already tired.” He stops, and can’t help but murmur, “I’m so fucking tired.”

Stacker is looking at him and Raleigh looks away because this way he can pretend there isn’t pity there and maybe even disappointment and he can’t handle more disappointment.

“It’s not going to be like it used to because that Raleigh died. He died alongside his brother and it’s fucking unfair because I can still hear him screaming and I still turn around to tell him a funny story, but it’s not here anymore. He’s not here and he left me behind.

“So no, it’s not going to be like it used to.” He finishes and there’s still more than an hour to go but it’s okay. He’s used to time going on and on without him feeling it.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> For this prompt: http://pacificrimkink.livejournal.com/2747.html?view=3161019#t3161019 except not really because the OP probably wanted plane sex and instead I just gave them angst. I'm sorry! I don't know where it all came from.


End file.
